Sports & Seizure: Professional Wrestling with the Issues

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News recently hit the mat that professional wrestler Ric Flair will be joining Chuck Norris and throwing the massive weight of his support behind Mike Huckabee in the Republican primaries.

This should come as no surprise to true fans who understand the close relationship that professional wrestling and politics have shared over the years. Some might even say that if politicians were just a little shinier, there’d be no difference at all.

Need proof? Take a look at some of the wrestling moves that have popped up in the WWE in just the past year…

The Kucinich Klutch: When your opponent is on the mat, put your full weight on his lower back and your arm under his chin. Pull his head back so that his ear is close to your mouth. Then proceed spouting a bunch of idealistic and unrealistic ideas that you came up while hiking to your favorite ashram.

The Suicide Obama: Hurl yourself around the ring with no apparent regard for your own safety or winning the wrestling match. Hope that the audience is sufficiently entertained that they boo the other wrestler out of the ring.

The Giuliani Kiss: Midway through a tag-team wrestling match, change sides and begin attacking your partner. This will throw everyone, including the fans, completely off guard and make it seem as though you’re tough.

The King of the Hillary: After walking into the ring, immediately declare yourself the victor and refuse to acknowledge the existence of your competitor until he gets bored and leaves.

The Half Thompson: Fight your opponent with fifty percent of the energy and determination as you’ll need to defeat him. You probably won’t win the match, but then you probably won’t have to defend the championship belt anytime soon either.

The McCandyCain Sucker: Treat the current wrestling champion to some oral sex (even if he cheated to win the belt from you) in full view of the fans. Then ask politely if it can now be your turn to be the champ.

The Stormin’ Mormon: Pay the fans millions and millions of dollars to cheer for you. If that doesn’t work, pay the ref.

The Dodd Shuffle: During a Battle Royale, stand quietly in one corner of the ring, shuffling your feet, until the match is over and everyone has gone home.

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